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None of us desire “spoiled” kids - kids who're bratty, self-centered, strenuous, inconsiderate. So, what spoils children and what does not?

When I was bringing up my children, I was often told that I'd spoil them if I did not let them cry - if I held them a lot. Fortunately, I did not believe that nonsense.

You can not spoil a child with love. Children need love as much as they need food and water. The issue is in defining “love.”

We aren't giving love to our children when we give them everything they desire on the material level. Parents often believe they are loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys or activities they want, yet what's the actual consequence of indulging our children in that way?

There are 3 big negative consequence of “spoiling” our children on the material level:

1) It fosters addictive behavior - filling up from the outside with things and activities rather than filling up from the inside through caring and creativity. An abundance of adults are addicted to expending or other activities to fill up their emptiness. Should they be stressed, instead of dealing with the source of their stress - which is generally some way they aren't taking care of themselves - they cover their feelings with some addictive behavior like expending, TV, food, alcohol, and so on. When we offer our children an excess of toys, an excess of activities, an abundance of comfort food, or permit an abundance of TV, we aren't loving them. We are training them to be addicted.

2) Often parents afford things and activities for their children whlist contradicting their own needs. It is not loving to children to give in to their each demand, especially if it implies putting yourself aside. When you constantly give in to your children and contradict your own needs, children come to understand that it is okay to disregard others needs and be exacting brats. Children might not understand to consider others should you don't expect them to consider you by considering yourself. They shall come to know to treat you the way you treat yourself, so it's not loving to your children to disregard yourself. When you disrespect yourself, you train your children to be disrespectful.

3) One of the big issues in our society is that children understand to identify their self-worth with others' approval for how they look, how many toys they have, how expensive their clothes are. Unless parents show their children that they value them for their internal qualities - their caring, creativity, comproceedion, laughter, joy, proceedion for life - rather than for their looks, possessions and performance, children understand to attach their self-worth to other's approval. Right self-worth comes from inside, from understanding we are valuable for who we are, not for how we look or what we do. Unfortunately, our materialistic society fosters attaching self-worth and lovpower to others' approval for things like a car or a house or clothes. When we “spoil” our children with material possessions, we foster co-dependency, which is dependency on others' approval for our sense of worth.

We could spoil our children with material things, yet we can not spoil them with love. Love is the energy of acceptance for who the child actually is. Love is understanding, comproceedion, caring. You are loving your children when you expend time merely being with them, hanging out with them, being completely current with them, actually listening to them. The fantasticest gift you may give to your children is to value them for who they seriously are on the inside. That's love, and nothing material could ever replace it.

As we move into the holidays, you may wish to examine the values and expectations you are imparting to your children. Possibly instead of all the currency being expended on currents for your children, the whole family might participate in purchaseing clothing and food for those who're in need. Imagine the real gift you might give your children if Thanksgiving, Christmas and Chanukah were times of right service in addition to feasting and sharing gifts with one another. Rather than “spoiling” our children by giving them an abundance of, why not enhance their self-worth by supplying them opportunities to be giving, caring human beings?

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of 8 books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the mighty Internal Bonding healing process. Come to understand Internal Bonding currently! Visit her site for a FREE Internal Bonding course: http://www.internalbonding.com or mailto:margaret@internalbonding.com. Phone sessions available.